Rachel

I am a childhood friend of Rachels from Lewistown and just learned of this yesterday. I am very saddened and hurt but am also glad to see she had a beautiful life with many friends that loved her so dearly. This was a terrible tragedy but I will always hold on to the geeky little girl with the big glasses that I loved so much. My thoughts and prayers are with her friends and family. 

With Love

Misty

going forward

I didn’t know Rachel very well, though she was one of the most important people in my dear friend Erika’s life.  A year ago I certainly did not know what to make of her death, other than the obvious: that it was an awful tragedy.  Worse, a terribly ironic tragedy.  It seems clear, from what little I did know of Rachel, that her time spent alone on the banks of the Mississippi were a personal celebration of life, an expression of her sense of her own vitality.  Perhaps it was a foolhardy expression, and I know, in the end, it was also a profound betrayal of the people that loved her the most.  But I don’t think I was alone in admiring the sense of personal freedom—of ease in the world—that it represented.  That she should have to pay for her sense of ease with her life seemed, and still seems, an unnecessarily cruel and horrifying fate.

Sometimes I find it very hard to reconcile myself to this life, to keep up the fight in the face of so much darkness.  For me, it’s hardest to understand how so much human life can be lost so easily—on the painfully intimate level, such as the loss of the Rachel, and on the global level.  Who would not be afraid?  But on this sad anniversary, at this dark time of year, I try to take heart from how Rachel rejected fear.  She would not want us to give up, despite the darkness.  She would want us to treasure every minute and go forward, facing our fears.

-Rachel #2

12/18/08

 Seems like the days are coming to represent the distance that is between us, girl

The ground is cold, wet and the sky is full of water and gray

There was a moment where I felt I could predict the future and I was the only one who knew what was to happen, less than a month from now and I ran to you

I ran to chiang’s to find you to tell you not to go out there that night-

Not to go out looking for yourself

Not to go walk on water

Because it wasn’t the kind of water that would wash it all away for you-

 Then I remembered- you wouldn’t be there.  There wouldn’t be another first time, of me walking in and suddenly seeing you after some years- some years that

would find you married and divorced, me; with a new love, one you briefly met as we strolled out of a theater- you with your future husband turned ex husband.

No, there wouldn’t be a moment of us crashing back into each others lives. 

The only sound I heard was the voice in my head telling me to keep driving forward- not towards you at chiang- but homeward to my pictures that proved you were

here with me for a split second..

i love you – girl

everyone knew there was something in everything about you

Coming upon a year

Dear Rachel,

Almost a year has now passed, and I’ve missed you every moment of it. The memories of our last hours together are arriving and closing in on me, only this time I have the knowledge of what could never have been predicted.  I am still very resistant of this reality, only slowly edging toward its acceptance.

Now it’s another cold and snowy Minnesota winter, melancholy and predictable in its unpredictable ways. I recall swearing I would never live another winter in this climate, after the last. We had talked on and on about moving away after your graduation, fantasizing about our options; mainly Hawaii, California, Oregon and Washington, so you could get your teaching license and I could find work in natural resources. I was so silly to think that they would come to fruition; what is life, but a dream.

What has been the point of so much of this life anyway? You were so filled with earthly knowledge, and the desire to gain understanding. All of the years we spend, all of your energy poured into selfless social politics. And in a moment’s time, it’s gone, or is it? I cannot pretend to know or have any understanding of life’s purpose. It is not for me to have faith in an unfounded belief, nor was it yours. But there is some system to this chaos of existence, and I have to respect that this knowledge is greater than the individual.

I have vivid memories of you and I bantering on the sofas in the living room, about the injustice and inequality created within human society. The whys and hows. You were always up to bat for the downtrodden, underrepresented, and disadvantaged. I played devil’s advocate to stir you up, and you’d shut up instead of argue with me. I’m sure the reality of human apathy was too painful for you, as it is still for me.

Sierra has missed out on far too many walks this year, to her dismay. The motivation that you had for taking care of others and creatures, and other’s creatures was so beautiful. I was so grateful for everyday that they had you; certainly it was an equal blessing to me.

I have many fond memories of our days. Like the night you returned home absolutely elated, floating on the adrenaline of having met your hero. After attending a presentation by Jonathan Kozol at Blake, he asked you to join him for coffee.
You had a life changing conversation with him, dropped him off at his hotel and returned ecstatic with his phone number! I recall how much that conversation had meant to you, how you called home to tell your mom, and how inspired it left you.

This past Thanksgiving Kevin mentioned to me that he was reading a Kozal book. I was embarrassed to be naïve, the subject matter not being my forte; I had always leaned on you for the knowledge. Thank you for providing me with it, and sharing your passion for justice and education with me.

You demonstrated courage, will, fearlessness, love, compassion, desire, and inspiration daily.

There are few people who live their lives with the legacy you left with; for most, as well as for me, it will only ever be a virtue.

Peace be with you -E